The start of my journey

Hello all, this might come as a different sort of post, but I decided to post my struggles with and hardships to accept Jesus Christ as my Savior and God.

My journey started when someone close to me passed away. Before that I was quick to condemn and be angry at god for all that I perceived that was wrong with the world. I was prideful and thought I was more intelligent by casting off the shakes of religion and superstition. For all intents and purposes I was an atheist in training. Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens were my Gods, and their call beckoned me to cast off Christianity, or any religion for that matter, and instead use reason to understand the world. I fell under their spell and thought that not only was humanity inherently good, capable of any feats before it, but also that it was the followers of God that were keeping us in chains. I can go on with how foolish I was and fill volumes.

It was on the day that someone really close to my heart died that I came full force with the blasphemous gospel that has enthralled our current generation. All that talk of no after life and relativity came crashing down on me and showed me just how much of a fool I was. It was at that moment that I asked myself "If everything is by chance and that there is no after life, then why do I care for the dead corpse in front of me?". Not only that, but I also asked the question of why did my relative live his life the way he did?

I will personally testify that my relative (I shall call him X) lived a decent life. X was god fearing, and tried to follow the commandments of the bible as closely as possible. All of us know the crushing feeling of disenchantment of our human condition when asked to give up sin, but X strived to live "simply" and to "follow the gospel". I am ashamed to say that even I laughed at his attempt to live according "to a book that was written by man". We got into many arguments and I am regretful to say that I was not able to apologize for my foolishness. That part of me will stay forever, but in his death I know that he has been taken to heaven to be with our lord Jesus Christ. I however am a different matter.

For a long period of time I was angry after X's passing. I was angry at the world, God, and more importantly myself. I was confused. "Why do I feel sadness? Anger? All these emotions? Is not X just gone? Gone forever and never to come back?". That is when it hit me. A void so terrible that I remember it to this day. I felt truly alone, truly desolate, an insignificant speck in this world. "No one cares about me" I thought long and hard. That is when I was thinking of taking my life. I will not lie when I say that I honestly thought of taking my life and ending the so called "charade of life". "What does it matter if I finish it? There is nothing in the great beyond? Why continue this pointless life?". All those thoughts passed my mind like a tsunami. The only reason that I felt alive was because of my depression, anger, and anxiety. I thought those feelings would never stop, but that is when I met my guardian angel.

I met Y (to protect my friend's privacy) at a local retail job. We stared to work there and he was the one who introduced me to Christianity and undid all the damage that was done to my mind by our current educational program and relativistic culture. He was the one who showed me that God is forgiving, and has a purpose for me beyond simple "feel good" mentality that I was following. Thanks to him I was able to get through those dark moments and I shall forever be indebted to him.

However, even when I heard the word I was rebellious. I argued any point to try and disprove God and his teachings. I failed miserably, but my ego did not let me accept Jesus as my Savior. To this day I struggle with my doubt. Doubt is the greatest enemy a Christian faces, or some might say must face. It is an invisible enemy that sneaks into your mind and does not let go. It turns us away from God and justifies our pride, our superiority, and falsely makes us believe that we are capable of doing good and being moral without God. As absurd as that sounds I still struggle, many a times did Y try to convince me of my folly, but I still remained stubborn.

However I resolved to study the bible, to beg forgiveness due to my rebellious nature and hope that I will be able to receive the gift of salvation. It is an arduous battle. The world of today blasts us with many half truths and blatant blasphemies against the true word of God. I only ask that you pray for me to find strength to overcome my doubt. I only hope that I will be deemed worthy to even hold the bible let alone to ask for salvation and redemption. Today I start the long and hard struggle of finding Jesus and accepting him as my savior not because of my wants, but to glorify the Almighty and to follow him and do his bidding.

Pray for me friends, for the world, and for those fallen for only we can pray for those that are incapable of receiving salvation due to their rebellion against God.

Amen.